180

i'm thankful for the friends i don't see each day, that appear & disappear with the seasons. and yet, without speaking a word to each other for months, they feel like family once reunited. i'm thankful that we are able to live our own lives and come together like nothing has changed. i'm thankful for the friends who understand it's difficult to keep in touch, that when work tires me out - i long for head space, alone. i'm thankful for friends even in the same city as i, who urge me to come out with them, but understand that when i turn down the offer it's just because i need solitude. it's just how i am, and i love you guys for getting that. i'm thankful for friends who are so far away, who haven't spoken to me in a year, who assume that i'm busy or have zero idea what i've been up to - who still call me when they're in need because they know i will be there for them when they need someone to listen. i love you guys for just knowing that. i am also thankful for the friends who understand that sometimes i have to ride out the emotions of my problems, that they really can't do anything for me except let me feel and heal on my own.

i'm thankful for being able to say that i am happy today. i'm thankful because i spent a lot of time lost, a lot of time feeling abandoned and unloved. i spent a lot of time not knowing where to even begin to search for light, i'm thankful because tears are streaming as i write this - but, i know it's not sadness, just remembrance of a darker era. i'm thankful for yoga, for meditation. i'm thankful because i love myself, i am more confident with myself, and i've grown so much in the last year than in the prior five. i'm thankful because i'm exploring my curiosities, instead of sitting around wondering. i'm thankful because i can allow new people into my life again.

i am thankful for the souls i've met throughout my life. i'm thankful there are only a handful of beings i would imagine feeling uneasy, or tense, around. i'm thankful for my best friends. some i've known since childhood, others much more recent. but, all i'd like to keep around for many more years to come. i'm thankful for the friendships i've lost, that have taught me how to cherish more - but, also that reminded you how you always felt like an outcast anyways (***i just noticed i switched to 'you' versus 'me' here. i suppose this is something that is still hard for me to admit. more work to be done). i'm thankful that i've met someone i really like. i'm thankful that even though i may never love the same way again, i've been able to have real feelings i thought were lost for good. i'm thankful that our friendship is strong, that the circumstances we're in would never have been something i'd find worth the struggles - but, they ended up flourishing. i'm thankful he never gave up on me when i was doubtful, that he understood what i'd been through and was patient. i'm thankful to be able to think that he saw something worthwhile in all of this. i'm thankful he's so connected to the people i love, that he's such a positive presence.

i'm thankful that my family is rad af. i'm thankful they fight all the time and i end up the referee over facetime. i'm thankful that i come home thinking i can fix all of their problems and end up in the fights too. i'm thankful that they keep me humble, in that way. i'm thankful that we can go through the shittiest of shit together, and still be so full of love. i'm thankful my parents raised me that way. i'm thankful for their support and any bit of happiness i am able to bring them. i'm thankful for that small superpower.

there's so much more i'm thankful for, but, honestly.. a year ago i was not the same. i'm so incredibly grateful for the life i have. i no longer feel empty, i no longer feel worthless. i feel strong, i feel independent. so, i just had to take a moment and reflect. i hope you are doing the same.

happy turkey day!