dead squirrels

years have begun to stack

the only memories lingering now are those where i am pleading for your shoulder

we are strangers, complete strangers

yet there are parts so rooted into our beings that we will always know

the young child ridden with envy 

our relationship, a one-sided competition 

i failed to lift you up and push you further

instead, i yearned to see you, for once, fall behind 

you were one of the first role models i looked up to 

the world was simple, flawless in your hands

you navigated altercations with class and logic 

so young, yet as wise as i have only recently become 

these new lives were inevitable 

the fading connection survived awkward holidays, spontaneous summers 

but, i craved my own - an existence as fluid as yours

and so i got myself stuck in the current 

drifting further away from my roots, from you

we spoke less, but i thought of you more

i took our one opportunity to rebuild, to heal, to continue

and threw it in the dirt before running faster and further away

then tragedy struc,k and i needed you

you followed through, you provided the love, the brutal truth 

i refused to absorb the words around me 

i ran again

a year passes and i have only recently begun to heal 

i never stopped thinking of you, re-telling the stories of our younger years

the adventures of curious, naive souls 

i wonder how many pages we've jointly crossed off that book

how your perspective on being has evolved, if your dreams have changed

i want to know you, i crave your biography often

i begin typing the words into the little box 

but, i can't ever press send, it feels dirty

i don't deserve to impede on your bliss

it's no longer my right to drag in my chaos through your clouds

even with life looking more positive, more clear

there's nothing i can provide for you here 

a beautiful life, you will inevitably have

i'll continue spectating from a distance 

i'll still type your name into that box each day

it's been too long to repair the cracks i've hammered into our bridge 

but, i won't stop spewing our stories to strangers

and i'll continue dreaming up alternate realities

i'm sure as weddings and children emerge, we will meet again 

civil, courteous exchanges will be made

but what could have been remains beyond the horizon, never to rise again

farewell my squirrel, ma cherie