note to self: it's been worse

may 15, 2017

“i’d like to think of myself as a being who is exploding with enthusiasm for life and all that comprises it, but as i feel the extent to which the pain you introduced to me refuse to subside i notice more and more how a part of me has become mummified in a permanent state of emptiness. it’s difficult imagining the effort required to fill the ditch you dug out of my desire to exist, whilst small and not so affecting that i cannot thrive, it is there. there are moments when i am reminded too abruptly of it and the focus drives me into silent tears. there are times when i reflect and worry that there’s not much more to be done on my part. this specific type of happiness has been quiet for far too long, no matter how hard i try, it’s just not there for me to resurrect.

it’s a love that comes from a connected soul. that linkage died with your departure, and nobody has been able to come in to rekindle the bond, not yet. i often wonder how much happier you are compared to our loveliest days.

how every aspect of my life can seem so pristine and ideal at this moment of transition in my life is shockingly refreshing, but my love lost is still this weighty bag of sand i’m dragging around my feet. i can’t untie them, you can’t either. you’re not the same person anymore, i have no idea who you are these days. but, it’s vice versa and your lost at worst. regardless, the old you hurt me. it took me a long time to really be able to realize that, i made so many excuses in my head for your actions and blamed myself for the majority, if not all, of our downfalls. this in itself has held me back a hundred football fields, it’s allowed me to seek your redemption for so long when it’s not yours to give. i’ve spent these years feeling like the villain and not the victim, but that’s been wrong of me. you truly wounded me. you’ve affected my mentality, much of those injuries have healed and i’ve been able to nurture new life out of them. but, my soul has not experienced such rejuvenation. there’s a part of me that’s become a zombie, no matter how much i try to convince myself i love my life i feel the overwhelming lack of interest or emotion like a heavy fog with no chance of sun ever seeping through. like this whole time i’ve been orchestrating someone else’s future, instead of truly living the journey myself. how to fix this? yet to know, but here’s to hoping that this new life brings me closer to finding the fulfillment.”