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If you were to ask me what I believed my best feature was, I’d go with what I’ve heard most: “damn, your jawline”. I never understood this. Sharp? Only recently have I begun to pay this any attention. The trigger thought? :must have been the lack of speaking due to anxiety resulting in such an unstretched jawline.

A stretch? C’est possible.  But, both are true. & my anx. was severe. Ask my sis – I used to not even be able to make my own doctor’s appointment - like for just a checkup over the phone. This only having changed in the last year or two. – no lie. Most people are so shocked when I tell them how much I’ve changed (guess it makes sense since I didn’t speak to anyone about it).

 What I am thankful for is self-reflection. Fuck, when I think about the greatest gut-wrenching losses in my life I think about the loss of my best friend. How eloquent and mature, insightful and specific her words were. She knew how to take your consciousness and grind it up – pestle & mortar style. I was nothing but a pile of soot after her.

 Not that I deserved any more. But, that was my fault. When did any of the five people closest to me in my life actually understand the extent of the anxiety I was feeling or the disturbed thoughts that were harassing my mind?

 College eventually provided me a view into a more balanced existence. Took five years//thank god I chose NEU.

 Now I can only reflect. I relive the pain. I keep this pain lively and close to remind myself of what I never want repeated. Instead I try to work on making my outsides look and sound closer to my insides. Somehow the being within me doesn’t reflect well in this physical world.

 What a wild ride it’s been. Actually growing, actually feeling more self-aware, actually being able to disregard the rest of society for a few many more moments than usual. Progress. Progress doesn’t change the past, it’s a reflection of the past. It can also foreshadow the future, if acknowledged (unconcerning externals, just yourself).

Happening. Now.