filed under: for later (July 12, 2018)
I wrote this note-to-self (below) almost exactly a year ago. 2018 was probably the second most difficult year of my life thus far. I felt like I’d allowed myself to be pulled apart, constantly bending over backwards and taken advantage of in every aspect of my life. By the end of 2018, I’d concluded that 2019 would be an intentional ‘selfish year’.
6 months in & I can report that I am flourishing in areas of: personal growth, maturity, and finding inner happiness. For the very first time in many years, I experienced a moment with myself where I could reflect on my state of life, with absolute content. No longer worried about tomorrow, or catering to those I love, or if I’m living ‘right’; my energies now focused on making sure I am happy, healthy, and growing. Nourishment allowing me to free up mental and physical capacity to channel towards soul-fulfilling goals & to be able to offer care for those I love in achieving their dreams. Instead of hand-holding, I now offer words of wisdom - helping my people help themselves beyond any singular issue. I learned that the best way to help those who are stuck, are to challenge the way they are perceiving their problems & to encourage positive feedback loops which allow for healthy growth in self-awareness and self-criticism.
Patience has been the most difficult yet rewarding skill to learn, to understand. For me, it couldn’t be taught nor told. I had to find it for myself, my brain needed to figure out how to make this virtue logical, naturally. Friends, family, work, love, and passions - all have benefitted from this new, innate lack of urgency that once consumed me. I now feel continuously present: outside of meditation, outside of yoga, outside of vacations. My day-to-day, I am filled with so much less worry and concern. I feel much more capable of balancing all of my emotions, experiences, and thoughts.
I can’t say for certain whether it was the traumas of 2018 that ignited change, or the addition of therapy & antidepressants into my routine. Hardly matters, as my runway expanded infinitely in the last year. I finally feel I belong out in the world, like I can interact with other humans on the street without feeling like a burden. I can shower my friends & family with the love and support I always wanted to show them, but previously felt too inadequate to. I found peace within myself, I learned to truly love myself, advocate for myself, depend on myself, and finally serve myself.
Once again, I continue to surprise myself with how much more growth I can achieve year after year. I have no regrets for the mistakes I am surely still making, because I know that as they come, there’ll be many more learnings & improvements to be celebrated.
Patting myself on the shoulder tonight :) xx
/TT
honestly, it’s my future self that always pulls me through.
i’m grateful for your ability to learn, to understand the importance of working hard - not for the fruits of your labor, but for your own personal satisfaction, to constantly absorb new perspectives, and to slowly..... accept that patience pays off.
it’s difficult because I spend so much of my existence aware of all the ways it could end. without notice or warning, often times long before much living has been done. but, as i always tell myself: it’s the journey, the process matters. that’s when you are experiencing and learning and doing and growing. but, i’ve got to look at it slightly differently now - prior, the journey was day in and out. the journey is now going to expand months, maybe years. while i’ve got to still enjoy each bit of my day to day, i’ve got to enjoy these lengthened periods of time where I am not so immediately rewarded for my work. it will be long before my patience pays off, and it’s taken me having to face the realities of impatience to get me to this mental state.
thank you future self, for this time you’ve taught me the lesson before it was too late. thank you for all of the lessons i’ve been learning this year. friends, family, work, and dreams are getting easier to navigate as these battles are fought. i always think that i know myself, but it’s funny how much I change