beneficial battles

i didn’t have older sisters to guide me through my life.

though, i am so thankful for my many non-parental influencers: my cousins, my uncles, my aunties , & so many dear family friends

nobody taught me to love myself.

nobody taught me that i shouldn’t constantly fear being a burden.

nobody taught me how to deal with broken trusts.

i was taught family-first, but not how to deal when it doesn’t apply to you.

nobody taught me how to talk about my feelings, in any measure.

nobody taught me how to be a girl. nobody taught me how to have girlfriends.

nobody taught me how to be in a healthy relationship.

i was taught that everyone deserved care, but not how to seek it.

& you know, nobody taught me to ask.

it would be different if i had observed these lessons from those around me, but quite frankly, most of what i learnt from watching were lessons on how not to behave.

so, i’ve tumbled a lot on my own. i’ve taken every experience in, diving into the deepest pools of emotions on all scales of intensity. slowly, i’ve built up my own knowledge bank. experiencing and observing, analyzing.

but, much of the enlightenment would come too late.

i think about friends lost through the years. i feel like i’ve tried so hard to suppress these pains entirely. it’s been helpful being physically distant. but these enduring thoughts, always return to consume my mind.

i’ve been trying to take a step back more often. i’ve been tested time and time again on my patience. lessons i’ll be taking for the bulk of my life.

but, i have been able to engrain in myself the importance of looking at difficult & lengthy situations with many fresh sets of eyes. to always revisit - to see if new wisdom, new perspective, can result in new insights. you learn from your mistakes, but that doesn’t have to happen once. you’ve already got trial and error under your belt, live it again and see if anything’s changed.

sometimes, it’s only time that can provide answers, revelations, acceptance.

i wish i could shower my lost friends with all of the gratitude i have for teaching me how to be a girl friend, showing me sisterhood, displaying physical affection, and verbal encouragement.

i didn’t know what being myself meant back then. so many anxieties inhibited me from being able to provide as quality of companionship as i was given. i look back and think about all the times i felt like i had nothing valuable to say.

nobody taught me how to be open with myself in the world

part of me wishes i could forget those lost, but those lessons that have  transferred from their role models & then absorbed by me are  unrelenting, brutal, yet welcomed reminders